Monday is the fifth anniversary of IX-XI and President Bush has apparently decided to prepare us for our national day of mourning by delivering a week long series of seminars on fear mongering. Okay, okay, maybe "fear mongering" is a bit much. Perhaps a better phrase would be "PR campaign of cheap political calculation," or "systematic exploitative pandering" or "a typical sleazy example from the Karl Rove electioneering handbook." Or as we have to come know it during the last six years: "business as usual."
A lot of trees died in vain as newsprint this week, reporting details of President Bush wasted, desperate attempt to float a new trial balloon in his tortured six year war against logic, reason, gravity and physics. Apparently he's in need of a new sack of gas to tie his failed Iraqi war plan to. Due to the fact that his most recent verbal bag of helium, "stay the course," has been tossed onto the same discarded pile of shriveled rubber as "dead or alive," "smoking gun as a mushroom cloud," and "welcomed with flowers and candy."
What a surprise. Republicans feverishly exploiting their echo chamber to pound out the familiar percussive drumbeat that Democrats are weenie girly men who can't be trusted to keep their frilly underwear unsoiled much less protect this country from terrorists. GOP mole Joseph Lieberman parroted the same crass cross party line when he nasally whined that Ned Lamont's win over him was a victory for the kind of people involved in the British Pakistani airline bomb plot. One news anchor on Fox News called Democrats "the Al Qaeda Party." And in response, Democrats have vowed to mount a vigorous defense. Soon. Maybe. Once they rinse out their underwear.
It's my duty as a patriotic American to send up this warning flare to the Republican Congress. Their very lives are in peril. THIS IS NOT A TEST! Unknowingly they have stumbled into a dangerous situation that threatens them to a degree they are blissfully unaware. The fact that none of them will heed my advice saddens me a little but not as much as it makes me giggle. Let me explain. They just barely missed pushing through a bogus minimum wage bill that also would finally accomplish their thick-headed goal of eliminating the estate tax making sure that Paris Hilton gets every damn penny she deserves. Well, perhaps that's imprecise phrasing.
In a shocking revelation, famed Johns Hopkins scientist Dr. Robert Musckovitz has diagnosed George W Bush as suffering from stage 3 syphilis, after examining the President's increasingly erratic behavior. Dr. Musckovitz and his team of physicians, who have not seen or treated Mr. Bush, have identified telling characteristics of the dreaded sexually transmitted disease in the President by closely studying tapes of his mannerisms, speech patterns and eating habits. Candidly, the doctor cautioned "he's really starting to creep me out."
COMMENTARY BY WILL DURST
It was quite a performance the President put on at the G- 8 Summit in Saint Petersburg, Russia this year. If you, like me, understand the phrase “quite a performance” to mean “whoa, dude, chill.” Maybe a switch to decaffeinated is in order. “Yo, Blair.” That’s how he hailed the Prime Minister of Great Britain at a photo op at the closing of the conference. “Yo Blair.” Sounds like how I might greet one of my friends, but you know what, I’m not the President of the United States of America at a major world summit. Which, as Martha Stewart says, is a good thing.
Hey guys, guess what: he's Back! Yes, dear friends, Tom DeLay has crawled out from under the rock he's been hiding for the last couple of months apparently prematurely completing all those important pieces of personal business he needed to attend to, like the filing of the scuff marks off his cloven hooves and the sucking of hundreds of pints of virgin Mormon blood so he's refreshed and ready to jump back into electoral politics. Whether he wants to or not. Inflicted with a tertiary case of the Michael Corleones: every time he tries to get out, they pull him back in. And if the "they" in question have a lick of common sense, they're wearing sterile gloves while they're doing it.