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Monday, 04 December 2006 04:07

Will Durst: And They're Off!

I startled some guy in the next lane at a red light when I shouted at my radio today. A semi-famous network newscaster had come on opining how former Iowa governor Tom Vilsack could easily take the 2008 Iowa caucuses as a favorite son, resulting in a subsequent focus on South Carolina, which is John Edwards territory and this might all work out to upset the Hillary Clinton Applecart Express. AAIIIIEEEE! The guy next to me barely missed a covey of walkers as he peeled out.

Published in Will Durst
Monday, 20 November 2006 04:04

Will Durst: Who's the Comeback Kid Now?

Guess who the Republicans snuck in as Senate Minority Whip? Trent Lott. Yes, that Trent Lott. Welcome back buddy! You're a breath of stale air. And just the shot of smack in the arm the GOP needs. A return to the good old high flying junkie days of yore when votes stayed counted and people had priorities. Winning. At all costs.

Published in Will Durst
Monday, 13 November 2006 03:44

Will Durst: San Francisco Values

Hope you were hanging on to something solid last week because this country lurched so hard to the left, half of Washington woke up with a wicked case of whiplash. No, make that most of Washington. And all of K Street. And the Republicans should be grateful. Because if it weren't for Democratic persistence they wouldn't still be able to file for protection under the Endangered Species Act.

Published in Will Durst
Monday, 06 November 2006 01:12

Will Durst: The Demagogic Whistle Stop

Oh for crum's sake, people. It was a joke! "If you don't study in school you'll end up getting stuck in Iraq." Get it? LIKE THE PRESIDENT! He can't get out of Iraq. He didn't study. He's stuck. John Kerry was talking about George Bush. He wasn't talking about our troops. John Kerry was a troop. Anybody who can't figure that out is either a cynical oaf hiding their scurrilous ass behind the troops or pretending they're dumber than they already are, and from all appearances, the President falls into one of those categories, and if its the latter, that's a very scary proposition indeed.

Published in Will Durst
Friday, 27 October 2006 23:31

Will Durst: Don't Stay the Course

If you need more proof that President George Bush is as clueless as a goldfish on a leash in a space shuttle, you obviously didn't see him in all his counter-intuitive glory this week adamantly refuting the slogan of "staying the course" while keeping its policy EXACTLY THE SAME. That's right, George Bush is cutting and running from "stay the course." This doesn't mean he's a Defeatlican, though. Because “we are winning in Iraq and will continue to win." And you'd better hope we do, because if this is winning, you really REALLY don't want to see what losing looks like.

Published in Will Durst
Monday, 23 October 2006 01:50

Will Durst: Bring Back Saddam

WINSTON CHURCHILL: "Democracy may be the worst form of government known to man, with the possible exception of every other form."

I don't know if you got your head screwed on tight right now, but if not, you might want to pull out some eight penny nails and a claw hammer and place them in the ready position. Because chances are, after you hear this, you're going to want to nail your skull onto your spine before it spins off into the ether like a runaway flesh colored helium balloon. A bi-partisan commission, headed by James Baker, is investigating options to George Bush's strategy of "staying the course" in Iraq. And it seems pretty apparent that, as soon as possible, (i.e., hours after the midterm election) wholesale changes are in store. Although, it's yet to be determined whether any of the strategic plans call for the President to step down and accept the position of greeter/shoveler at the official stables of the Arabian Horse Association, as is my suggestion.

Published in Will Durst
Monday, 16 October 2006 02:46

Will Durst: The Boogeyman

"If you don't watch out, the Boogeyman is going to get you."

When we were young, every one of us suffered a grandparent or a creepy weird uncle or a fat pimply faced cousin who planted similar irrational fears in us. A psycho adult who got his jollies off by gleefully magnifying the shapeless dread of monsters lurking in the dark to susceptible children. Monsters who waited to gobble us up and skulked everywhere. Under the bed, in the back of the closet and pretty much the whole of the entire basement especially behind the furnace. And still, that creepy weird uncle continues to frighten us with tales of the Boogeyman. And that psycho adult's name is George Walker Bush.

Published in Will Durst

Hubris. (Hyoo-bris) -noun. Excessive pride or self-confidence. Arrogance.

That's the dry dictionary definition. But if you want to see hubris in all its gooey partisan glory, check out the machinations Speaker of the House, Dennis Hastert, is going through as he twists and turns like a Chinese acrobat in zero gravity reacting to the Congressional page scandal. His first vault into the Olympics of sleaze was picking up the phone. Why? To express his outrage at Florida Republican Mark Foley's inappropriate overtures to young boys? Unh, no. Okay, to console the families of the children ensnared in these lurid imprecations? Well, no, not precisely that either. Then, to demand an investigation into why the report on Foley's behavior was buried by his office? Well, unh, no, no, not really, no. Wait! Wait! Let me think. Unh, no. No. 'Fraid not.

Published in Will Durst
Monday, 25 September 2006 02:58

Will Durst: Compassionate Torturer

I always tremble like a hamster duct taped to a roto-tiller when George Bush struts into the spotlight on the world stage as he did this week when addressing the UN. The same feeling I get when San Francisco Giants closer Armando Benitez takes the mound in a save situation. It's a cover-your-eyes and peek-through-your-fingers sort of thing. A breath-holding whispered-prayers kind of time. Exciting, but not in what you call your good way. In a sweaty way.

Published in Will Durst
Monday, 18 September 2006 04:07

Will Durst: The Victims of 9/12

Now that Labor Day is over, it took stores about 14 seconds to get rid of their "back- to- school" displays and replace them with shelves of Halloween regalia. And never missing a beat, Karl Rove had George W Bush take advantage of his Secret Service Platinum Card to get an early start on the pagan celebration by donning the most frightening disguise available and heading out to spook the countryside in a week long variation on the old "trick and treat" trek. This "fear and smear" tour featured the President digging deep into the pockets of his Pumpkin King costume, tossing seeds of dread and horror to all who watched while in the cross hairs of the media deluge of mourning in America on the 5th anniversary of 9/11.

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