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Friday, 22 June 2007 02:41

Will Durst: Darting Squirters

Four Star General David Petraeus spoke of George Bush's vaunted troop surge as having unintended consequences, i.e., the squirts. And no, I'm not kidding. By putting pressure on targeted segments of the bad guys, we have caused them to, and I quote, "squirt out of Baghdad." That's right. We squeeze. They squirt. Those darn squirters. Clever little squirters they. Wonder if they dart as well. Darting squirters; that would be something to see. Definitely worth a two-drink minimum.

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Poor poor Paris. Okay. Admittedly, she's as likable as fingernails on a blackboard. Fingernails that have never been chipped in the normal pursuit of an actual day's work AND brandishing an exclusive not-for-sale Chanel sparkle enamel sheathing a recent and impeccable French manicure. But holy moley. People have jumped on the Kick Paris When She's Down train like there were free stacks of 100 dollar bills secreted in the seatback pockets.
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Wednesday, 30 May 2007 05:19

Will Durst: Hill Songs

We members of the CCJU; the Comics, Clowns & Jesters Union, can currently be found moping around, wearing an excess of black, plunged into a state of funk that can only be called "pre-mourning" as we anticipate the end of what will surely be known as the Golden Era of political humor. The reign of George W Bush is nearing an end. Destined to go down in history as the worst President EVER, and that includes William Henry Harrison, the guy who gave a three-hour inaugural speech in the rain, caught pneumonia, and served 30 days supine in a sick bed until becoming the first president to die in office.

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You got to love Dick. Vice President Cheney that is. He made another unannounced visit to Iraq in his unofficial capacity as heavy schtarker foreign policy hit man for that Halliburton subsidy, the Bush White House. "So, Mr Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, you're planning on letting the Iraqi Parliament go on vacation for two months while our troops keep on protecting your sorry asses. Well, perhaps a few minutes alone with the ENFORCER will set you straight." CUE DARTH VADER THEME.
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Thursday, 10 May 2007 03:45

Will Durst: George & Attila

When a ton of crap is dumped from way high above into the lake of our lives, we rarely worry about the tiny arcing droplets splashing on our face mainly because we're too busy keeping our boats afloat and our breathing apparatuses above water, but I would like to spotlight a seemingly insignificant drop of moisture pooling at the end of our nose that is destined to affect us for the rest of our natural born days. Namely: the name George. Which is getting such a bad rap these days, it will soon qualify for 12 step status. "Hi, my name's George and I'm a George." "Hi George."

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Thursday, 03 May 2007 04:10

Will Durst: The Scourge Of Mockolate

I never thought I'd be talking smack about the Hershey Company. It makes me feel like I'm wiping my oily hands on the prom dress of America's sweetheart. We all know Hershey. We all love Hershey. For crum's sakes, they're the chocolate people. Got a whole town named after them. The sugar rush dealers of our youth: Almond Joy, Mounds, Kit Kat, Reese's Pieces, and of course, the ubiquitous Hershey Bar. Which, if you believe all of the fairy tales of the Greatest Generation, were used in WW II to acquire the overnight company of comely foreign-born ladies. What could be more American?
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I'm afraid it is my duty to impart some bad news, and I advise you all to sit down before you fall down. The Attorney General of the United States apparently is suffering from a horrible disease. Best case scenario is we're talking a tertiary case of situational amnesia. For a lawyer, that can't be good. In his recent appearance before the Senate Judiciary Committee, Alberto Gonzales was unable to recall anything...45 times, and that was before lunch. Maybe it's simply a case of hypoglycemia, since after lunch, he only couldn't recollect 29 times. I don't mean to minimize the critical nature of this crisis but the solution seems obvious to me: between meal snacks.
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I'm a little worried about the Republicans. I am. My job is to mock and scoff and taunt; these days it's almost too easy. I was taught you don't kick people when they're down, which probably qualifies me as a weenie or a wuss in their book. Hence the famous retractable 8 penny serrated hobnails in the toes of Karl Rove's boots. But lately to imply they're a tad disorganized is like musing Don Imus might not be first choice to play Santa at the 2007 CBS Christmas Party. Not only isn't this your father's Republican Party, but also it's not even George Bush's father's Republican Party any more. You could go so far as to say that this Republican Party is mighty disconnected from the Republic and it sure ain't no party.

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Wednesday, 04 April 2007 03:08

Will Durst: Presidential Spring Training

The World Series of Presidential politics may be 19 months down the road, but the players are already lacing up their cleats and playing pepper with fungo bats on the sandlots of Iowa and New Hampshire.

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Strap on your seat belts and nuke some popcorn because we got ourselves a Battle Royale between the two gnarliest branches of government that a tree has ever seen. In the left hand corner, back from wandering in the wilderness, the Democrats are just itching to exercise their rediscovered clout. Over in the right hand corner, after six years of unchallenged rule, the Executive branch is not taking kindly having to answer to mere mortals. It's Countdown to a Crisis! The stoppable force versus the movable object.

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