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WILL DURST FOR BUZZFLASH AT TRUTHOUT

TeabagNormally you don’t expect to see the words “Republicans” and “introspection” right next to each other. Like supermodel and barbecue. Physicist and polka. Gazelle and ophthalmology. You catch my drift.

But that’s exactly what happened last week, when the Republican Party released a 100- page report detailing why their last presidential campaign skidded into the emergency room Dead on Arrival.

The findings were compiled through analysis, interviews and feedback from campaign managers, focus groups, and most likely augmented by clandestine hanging out at bars during happy hour in the proximity of graveyards and funeral parlors. Some paint it as a comprehensive post- election review. Others argue it’s incomprehensible. The media calls it an autopsy. A self- addressed post- mortem love letter in the spirit of Poe. 

 

Published in Guest Commentary

WILL DURST FOR BUZZFLASH AT TRUTHOUT

Surely you're longing to hear some scathingly humorous remarks concerning the New Hampshire Primary. And it would be our honor to relate a few pithily amusing jibes about 2012's primary Primary. Only, sorry. Not going to happen. Can't be done. NH is so... over and done with.

Such archaic news, you probably read about it in some ancient medium like a broadsheet gazette with sepia toned daguerreotypes.

Published in Will Durst

WILL DURST FOR BUZZFLASH AT TRUTHOUT

Ah, October. Patio umbrellas down. Storm windows up. The turning of the leaves. The crisping of our ears. Playoff baseball. Halloween just a few weeks off. We'll get back to the most bracing month of the year a bit later, but first a few words about the recent decision by major banks to charge customers five bucks a month to use ATM cards for routine purchases. And those few words are, "You greedy stinking ravenous money-grubbing avaricious pigs."

How much dough do you have to make? I mean, I get it. You are not non-profit organizations. Few of us are. Your task is to find new ways to make more moolah. Same here. You just happen to be a whole lot better at it than the rest of us. And with the scratch to rewrite the rules, the skids get greased in your favor. Good for you. But, do you really need all the greenbacks? Every single dime? Really?

What were your profits last year? Like a bazilliondy dollars? Shouldn't that be enough? Do stockholders require double-digit returns every quarter? Incredibly foolish to expect hubris after causing the worst financial crisis in 80 years, but wouldn't it be wiser to leave behind a couple of bucks for the rest of us? You know, so we can do business with you. Commerce. Otherwise you'll have all the capital, no customers and be forced to restrict all your interactions to other banks, and trust me, you're not going to like that.

Or is that the ultimate goal? To gather together all the money in the world, becoming a money museum? Then we pony up pretty colored stones just to look at the money we no longer have. And you know what happens then? You make it your mission to control the world's supply of pretty colored stones. Go ahead. We'll switch to smooth pointy sticks.

This is not your money we're talking about. This is my money. You're supposed to pay me for your use of my money. That's the deal. What's the interest rate on savings accounts now, .02%? Oh right, the fed is maintaining artificially low interest rates to boost economic climes. But shouldn't that mean the interest rate on my credit cards goes down too? I'm paying 20%. In some states that's known as usury, and is illegal. For crum's sake, you can strike a better deal on the street with Vinnie.

Published in Will Durst
Sunday, 13 March 2011 16:09

Madness in Madtown

WILL DURST FOR BUZZFLASH AT TRUTHOUT

Best be vigilant for an inadvertent head butt as the eyes of the world recoil from that crazed leader, besieged in his own Capital, defying reality while obstinately holding onto a tenuous power and attacking his citizenry through a conflicted security force. Of course I'm talking about Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. Think a slightly less swarthy Midwestern version of Colonel Qaadafi.

The locals call Madison "Mad Town," and hardly has it ever lived up to that reputation as heartily as in the past month. Following the November sweep of both houses of the legislature, Walker, Lexus Ranger, declared the Badger State's deficit was due to those dastardly public unions and his so- called "Budget Repair Bill" sought money from their pockets, an end to collective bargaining, placed obstacles in the way of continued accreditation and advocated public spanking as a punishment.

This proposal came the very week after he ushered in $137 million in corporate tax cuts for the state, which is a lot like paying for your quarterly investors luncheon by garnishing the wages of the waiters. Money for the rich, from the middle class, again. Robin Hood's evil twin must be exhausted.

Published in Will Durst

WILL DURST FOR BUZZFLASH

Please be advised: the Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2010 are not to be confused with the Top Ten Legitimate News Stories of 2010. They are as different as Lasagna and asphalt. Ear wax and linoleum. A lunch wagon sink trap and nuclear lab clean rooms. Toe shoes and track cleats. Christian Science Ministers and health insurance seminars.

Sure, sure, there were more serious stories involving death and destruction and devastation o'plenty but we tend to concentrate more on those narratives that offer a break from the tension. That allow  us to view the desolation from the lighter side of the vast dark chasm. So here they are, the stories from 2010 that most lent themselves to joshing and kidding and ribbing.

10. Dick Cheney's 6th heart attack. How does a guy without a heart have 6 heart attacks? It would be like Rod Blagojevich contracting a brain tumor. Cheney is so evil, Hell keeps spitting him back.

9. Barack Obama. True to his word, the 44th President managed to unite the country. Against him. Although, the two sides do view him through different prisms. The right sees him as Malcolm X. The left- Urkel.

8. Christine O'Donnell. Delaware Senatorial candidate claimed she's not a witch. Then the local Wiccan community denied having anything to do with her. Which probably didn't lead above the fold on her

Published in Will Durst
Sunday, 07 November 2010 06:09

Will Durst: Not a Post Apocalyptic Wrap Up

WILL DURST FOR BUZZFLASH

First things first. This is a post election wrap- up. Not a post- apocalyptic wrap- up. Yeah, the GOP did well. After a change in Administrations, the minority party won a bunch of House seats in the following midterm election. Ho hum. Whoop ti- do. BFD. In itself, this is about as unusual as a piquant odor emanating from the dumpster behind a fish market.

Happened to Reagan: 27 seats in 82. To George HW Bush: 31 seats in 1990. Clinton: 54 seats in 1994. Would have happened to George W Bush if Nine Eleven hadn't gone down the year before. It's a natural contraction. Democracy's labor pains. Only the gestation period is a bit longer, the soreness more lingering and felt thousands of miles wider.

Like Newt Gingrich before him, John Boehner will discover that conducting the train is different than throwing bottles at the train. Fortunately for him, it's a train, not a bicycle and he can run right over the broken glass. Because there's about 2 billion dollars worth of it from untraceable sources lying on the tracks.

The GOP's biggest problem might have been inviting the Tea Party into their house. Its one thing to chuckle at the antics of the red headed stepchildren acting up at the backyard barbecue, and another entirely after they move in and you attempt to carry on a conversation with other adults while they persist on waving pitchforks and torches, poking and scorching the ceiling. "Could you keep it down to a dull roar, please? We're trying to watch 'Lobbyist Idol' here."

Published in Will Durst

WILL DURST FOR BUZZFLASH

Doom. Impending doom. Deep dark impending Democratic Party doom. Losing one if not both houses of Congress- deep dark impending Democratic Party doom. Deep dark impending Democratic Party doom of Biblical proportions destined to make 1994 seem like walk in the park with a loved one down a sun kissed lane strewn with fallen magnolia petals. Then again, wait. Maybe not so much doomishness.

Published in Will Durst
Sunday, 14 March 2010 00:27

Kooky Kabuki Terrain

BUZZFLASH GUEST COMMENTARY
by Will Durst

This health care thing has driven people crazier than Johnny Depp in a Max Fleischer cartoon on acid. Pro or con, your rhetoric better be cranked up to eleven and soaring past the outer orbit of Neptune, or you’re going to be as invisible as a tax collector with a soggy paper plate full of Swedish meatballs sitting next to the deceased at a wake.

Talk show host Rush Limbaugh jumped into this peculiar March Madness feet first, threatening to leave the US should health care reform pass. He must realize for a lot of people, that’s a big win- win. And if the prospect of his permanently playing ex- pat doesn’t motivate progressives, nothing will. He even mentioned Costa Rica as a possible destination. Where they have universal heath care. Just like every industrialized country in the world. Although your access to Oxycontin may vary.

Published in Will Durst
Tuesday, 04 December 2007 03:33

Will Durst: Not So Almighty Dollar

Talk about how the almighty have fallen. The dollar is headed downhill faster than Bode Miller on a set of rocket skis. Think nose dive. Plummetville. Plunge City. Belly Floppo Rama. Recession is such an ugly word. Try walking down a New York City street these days without getting knocked off the sidewalk by a gaggle of foreigners brandishing a circumference of high-end shopping bags like a cardboard armada. Can't be done.
Published in Will Durst
Sunday, 18 November 2007 14:42

Will Durst: Nuclear Two Step

This might be a good time to try and explain George Bush's Mideast nuclear policy, which to the untrained eye must seem trickier than doing calculus on a solar-powered calculator in the front seat of a high speed roller coaster while wearing gloves at night. As leader of the free world, he's taken a monumental task upon himself to divide the world into two distinct and separate groups.
Published in Will Durst
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