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Will Durst

Will Durst (56)

Friday, 24 August 2007 03:15

Will Durst: Rove Bye Bye

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Karl Rove, Bush's brain, quit last week. And no, he hasn't been replaced, so yes, you could say the cavity remains empty. To put it another way: Voldermort has left the building. Darth Vader took off his helmet. Proof positive that Satan had more than just a passing acquaintance with the Pillsbury Doughboy has exited stage right. This sudden shift of malodorous winds has caused liberals to shiver in separation anxiety knowing they're going to have to look elsewhere to assuage their demon jones, as they no longer have the pale pudgy strategist as target for their limp verbal projectiles.
Wednesday, 15 August 2007 04:13

Will Durst: Me. Me. Me. Me. Me

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You know what's wrong with America? I mean, besides a headache medicine that you apply to your forehead? Our national obsession with "me." Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Nobody ever thinks about "us" anymore. It's all about "me." "You" are on your own. "We" is a convenient umbrella for a collection of like minded "me's," of which "I" better play a feature part and "they" and "them" are simply obstacles to be steered clear of at all costs and knocked down and run over with track cleats if unavoidable.
Friday, 03 August 2007 04:06

Will Durst: The center left, right?

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Does anybody know what happened to the center? I remember hearing about it in the old days, but it seems to have disappeared like a wisp of mist in a solar wind. All anybody talks about is the left and the right. We're so polarized these days, I'm surprised our compasses still work. They should be stuck on due daft. To paraphrase Ronald Reagan speaking about the Democratic Party: I didn't leave the center, the center left me. And you can blame Uncle Ron for triggering the seismic shift that shoved the center to the right.

For instance:

Monday, 16 July 2007 15:37

Will Durst: Skooter Skates

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Who can tell what motivates the President these days? Maybe the commutation of Scooter Libby is meant to demonstrate his latent in-chargity. That he's relevant, dammit! That not only can he be the decider, but he also has the skills to be the commuter as well. With an approval rating lower than a drunk IRS agent wearing pinstripes behind the Red Sox dugout at Fenway, he probably wouldn't mind commuting himself, to and from the comfort of Crawford, Texas, four or seven days a week. Could become the First Telecommuting Chief Executive. "I'm looking forward to Friday, that's ‘No Pants Day.'" Bet Laura and the twins would prefer that. Dick too, just to clear the decks for some of the trickier bits.

Proving his pertinence required George Bush to set a convicted partisan felon free as the proverbial bird. Though the identity of what kind of bird that phrase is intended to signify has been shrouded by the mists of time; it is safe to say, it sure ain't no jailbird, because due to Dubyah's opportune intervention, Cheney's former chief of staff served less time than a spitballing junior-high study-hall miscreant sent to honors detention in the cafeteria.

Thursday, 05 July 2007 07:21

Will Durst: Boss Dick

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Alright, I got a message for the American public, and the message is this: leave Dick Cheney alone. He's not answerable to you. Get off his big white furry butt. You are not the boss of him. Nobody is the boss of him. Dick Cheney is the boss. Of you, me, Bush. Nouri Al-Maliki. Gitmo. All of us. He's Boss Dick. And the only reason you're out to get him is because when he smiles, he looks like he swallowed a small black child. And that is just prejudiced, people. Doesn't matter that he's keeping this country safe. And the only two ways to do it are his way and the highway. Well, actually, under the highway. Sometimes as part of the highway. Mixed in with the rebar.
Friday, 22 June 2007 02:41

Will Durst: Darting Squirters

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Four Star General David Petraeus spoke of George Bush's vaunted troop surge as having unintended consequences, i.e., the squirts. And no, I'm not kidding. By putting pressure on targeted segments of the bad guys, we have caused them to, and I quote, "squirt out of Baghdad." That's right. We squeeze. They squirt. Those darn squirters. Clever little squirters they. Wonder if they dart as well. Darting squirters; that would be something to see. Definitely worth a two-drink minimum.

Wednesday, 13 June 2007 07:34

Will Durst: Paris Hilton Pays For George Bush's Sins

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Poor poor Paris. Okay. Admittedly, she's as likable as fingernails on a blackboard. Fingernails that have never been chipped in the normal pursuit of an actual day's work AND brandishing an exclusive not-for-sale Chanel sparkle enamel sheathing a recent and impeccable French manicure. But holy moley. People have jumped on the Kick Paris When She's Down train like there were free stacks of 100 dollar bills secreted in the seatback pockets.
Wednesday, 30 May 2007 05:19

Will Durst: Hill Songs

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We members of the CCJU; the Comics, Clowns & Jesters Union, can currently be found moping around, wearing an excess of black, plunged into a state of funk that can only be called "pre-mourning" as we anticipate the end of what will surely be known as the Golden Era of political humor. The reign of George W Bush is nearing an end. Destined to go down in history as the worst President EVER, and that includes William Henry Harrison, the guy who gave a three-hour inaugural speech in the rain, caught pneumonia, and served 30 days supine in a sick bed until becoming the first president to die in office.

Monday, 21 May 2007 07:59

Will Durst: You got to love Dick (Cheney)

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You got to love Dick. Vice President Cheney that is. He made another unannounced visit to Iraq in his unofficial capacity as heavy schtarker foreign policy hit man for that Halliburton subsidy, the Bush White House. "So, Mr Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, you're planning on letting the Iraqi Parliament go on vacation for two months while our troops keep on protecting your sorry asses. Well, perhaps a few minutes alone with the ENFORCER will set you straight." CUE DARTH VADER THEME.
Thursday, 10 May 2007 03:45

Will Durst: George & Attila

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When a ton of crap is dumped from way high above into the lake of our lives, we rarely worry about the tiny arcing droplets splashing on our face mainly because we're too busy keeping our boats afloat and our breathing apparatuses above water, but I would like to spotlight a seemingly insignificant drop of moisture pooling at the end of our nose that is destined to affect us for the rest of our natural born days. Namely: the name George. Which is getting such a bad rap these days, it will soon qualify for 12 step status. "Hi, my name's George and I'm a George." "Hi George."

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