WINSTON CHURCHILL: "Democracy may be the worst form of government known to man, with the possible exception of every other form."
I don't know if you got your head screwed on tight right now, but if not, you might want to pull out some eight penny nails and a claw hammer and place them in the ready position. Because chances are, after you hear this, you're going to want to nail your skull onto your spine before it spins off into the ether like a runaway flesh colored helium balloon. A bi-partisan commission, headed by James Baker, is investigating options to George Bush's strategy of "staying the course" in Iraq. And it seems pretty apparent that, as soon as possible, (i.e., hours after the midterm election) wholesale changes are in store. Although, it's yet to be determined whether any of the strategic plans call for the President to step down and accept the position of greeter/shoveler at the official stables of the Arabian Horse Association, as is my suggestion.
One of the options being bandied about is the slow withdrawal of our armed forces, known as "cut and run" when proposed by Democrats, but I'm sure Mr. Baker will trot out something a bit more circumspect like: "shave and split," "slice and sprint" or "sever and saunter." Another possibility includes what is being referred to as "alternatives to our effort to establish a democracy." Let me repeat that; alternatives to democracy. Let's see, which alternatives to democracy are available for consideration? Communism? Unh, probably not. A Theocracy? No, we tend to spend a lot of money to avoid that very sort of thing. Fascism? Doubt it. Can't impose an impossible burden on the nascent infrastructure by demanding the trains run on time.
They might want to give a ruling monarchy a try. We seem to like it. Another possibility is tyrannical despotism. Or as it would be known to the Iraqis, the good old days. When you think about it, an oppressive dictatorship holds the benefit of both being familiar to the citizens and having recently been demonstrably successful in the area. Oh, sure a benevolent dictator would be preferable, but its never been a real deal breaker to our foreign policy. And I know this may sound a bit wacky but instead of holding another big round of purple-fingered elections where candidates and their relatives get knocked off at levels that would make the folks in Deadwood blanch, why not Saddam?
He's tan. He's rested. He knows the territory. Not doing much right now. Still has huge name recognition. Wouldn't have to re-introduce him to the populace. And be honest, how much worse could his re-reign be than what's going on right now? Hell, we don't need some big time fancy commission to tell us what to do. Henry Kissinger is on board; ask him. Just resurrect his thirty-two year old plan for Nixon. We declare victory, and leave. Reinstall a chastened reformed Hussein and appoint someone to watch over him. How bout Dick Cheney? Kills three birds with one stone -- it gets the Vice President and his approval rating lower than anchovy milkshakes out of Washington AND in place to provide hands-on control over his Halliburton operation AND Bush gets to appoint a successor for '08. Besides, if Cheney can't instill the fear of Allah in Hussein, nobody can. And most importantly, it gives us someone to blame. Two someones. Two Dicks.
Comic, writer, actor, former radio show host, malevolent lurker, Will Durst, wonders if killing three birds with one stone is how we got Turduckens.
* * *
Catch Durst in stand- up mode at the Pennsylvania Senior Action Election Comedy Training Gala at the IBEW Hall, 35 Hot Metal Street in Pittsburg, PA on Friday afternoon, then on Sunday night at the Sheet Metal Workers Hall, 1301 Colombus Boulevard, Philadelphia, PA, then the 24th though the 29th at the Improvisation in DC. 202.296.6988.