Better strap a hair spray filter over your mouth, because it's red carpet season everybody. That blessed time of the year when mere mortals like us derive major entertainment value from watching famous singers, actors, starlets, athletes, has-beens and other celebrity wannabes strut and pout and smirk and flaunt and blandish blatant attempts at replicating sincerity during that tiny window of their career that occurs between hiring a big league publicist and having had so much plastic surgery, they start to frighten small children and weasels, by which I mean their agents.
Inside the Beltway, they call politics show business for ugly people, but absolutely no awards are given out to our hardworking representatives. Unless you call the honor of serving us, the unwashed hoi polloi scurrying about their districts, a just award. "Being elected to serve to good people of (insert place name here) is all the award I need." Gag. But some of these guys and gals have gone the extra mile and deserve to be recognized for their unstinting effort in making my job as a political humorist as easy as slam dunking from a step ladder.
And although attempts to secure a television deal for the awards ceremony this year were less than successful, our salivating expectations of extreme schadenfruede will not be absorbed by the bib of lamentation, as we hand out for the 14th time, the prestigious TGFTLSBIAC awards. The "Thank God For These Liquid Squeezebags Because I'm a Comic" Awards. Your gift bag is in the mail.
- THE BEST IMPRESSION OF A SLEEPY LIZARD IN SEARCH OF A WARM ROCK AWARD: and the winner is... I'm sorry, we're all winners. The award goes to Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell, edging out 6-time winner Vice President Dick Cheney.
- THE COLLATERAL DAMAGE AWARD: goes to Rhode Island Senator Lincoln Chafee. Sorry buddy. Nothing personal.
- THE CLOSE BUT NO CIGAR AWARD: newcomer Connecticut Senate Candidate Ned Lamont.
- THE IF HE WERE A HORSE, WE'D HAVE TO SHOOT HIM AWARD: a repeat recipient, Delaware Senator Joseph Biden.
- THE "JOHN KERRY" WORST CAMPAIGN EVER AWARD: although California Gubernatorial candidate Phil Angelides gave her a run for her money, this year's award goes to Congresswoman Katherine Harris for her Florida Senate campaign that to call faulty from the get-go would be generous.
- THE SMILE SO TIGHT YOU CAN HEAR THE ENAMEL CRACKING AWARD: she's been working for this for years, how 'bout a hand for House Speaker Nancy Pelosi in an upset over defending champ Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.
- THE YOU CAN'T KEEP A GRASPING RAVENOUSLY AMBITIOUS MAN DOWN AWARD: and the winner is... Alf's dad, Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman.
- THE NOBODY RETURNS MY CALLS ANYMORE AWARD: In a runaway, former Congressman Mark Foley overtakes early favorites former Congressmen Bob Ney and Duke Cunningham.
- THE MOST IMPORTANT MAN IN AMERICA AWARD: For the 7th year in a row, Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens' doctor.
- THE LET'S SETTLE GLOBAL DISPUTES BY HOLDING HANDS AND SINGING KUMBAYA AWARD: holding steady at 1% in polls that sport a 4% margin of error: Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich.
- THE COMEDIC TIMING OF AN END TABLE AWARD: It's a tie! Hugo Chavez and John Kerry.
- THE PROOF THAT LAWYERS EAT THEIR YOUNG AWARD: sweeping the field with multiple nominations is Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.
- THE CLOCK IS TICKING AWARD: finds Iraqi President Nouri Al-Maliki narrowly defeating last year's winner Scooter Libby.
- POP GOES THE WEASEL HEAD AWARD: sadly, this award posthumously goes to Saddam Hussein's brother.
- THE UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT OF PAYBACK AWARD: is given to the entire Republican Party Congressional Caucus for whining about the Democratic Party cutting them out of the legislative process.
- THE REALITY TRUMPS FICTION AWARD: in a crowded field, the clear winner is Mister Cash in the Freezer himself, Louisiana Congressman William Jefferson.
- THE "HOIST ON YOUR OWN PETARD" LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD: goes to, and he couldn't be more deserving, Tom DeLay.
Comic, writer, actor, former radio talk show host and oyster shucker, Will Durst, is talking to the makers of "Head-On" to become sponsor of next year's awards.