Bah humbug everybody. Consider that uttered in the spirit of those of us familiar with the soft dark underbelly of the happiest time of the year. The ones regularly washed over by the holiday faucet of red and green bile dreading the solstice celebration as it drips down the drain of melancholy revealing the regurgitated fruit of of our greed and gluttony. But then again, what the hell. Pass me a cookie and another glass of nog and let's just enjoy the whole thing, shall we? And go easy on the nutmeg and heavy on the whiskey, mister. Because its time to just sit back and relax. Xmas is still with us, as we are repeatedly reminded by the television ads partially obscured by the coffee table high wrapping paper detritus. So to honor all you brave and steadfast consumers who set new records this year in your patriotic quest to sink heavily into debt to honor the birth of that Jewish hippie kid, let me offer up to the least deserving of us my annual scathingly incisive yet perennially trenchant ...
WILL DURST'S 2006 XMA$ GIFT WI$H LI$T.
• For the Iraqi people: an end to their civil war before the Bush Administration starts calling it that.
• For Rush Limbaugh: mint flavored shoe laces for the next time he puts his foot in mouth.
• For Mary Cheney's child: kindly faced, wise and sage other grandparents to neutralize Dick & Lynne.
• For British Prime Minister Tony Blair: a gift certificate good for one operation to disconnect him from his co-joined twin George Bush.
• For Donald Trump & Rosie O'Donnell: muzzles.
• For George Bush: who said he was going to stay the course in Iraq even if only Barney and Laura were supporting him; some dog treats for Barney.
• For prospective Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton: thicker skirts, so voters aren't distracted by the sight of her testicles when she speaks on a stage with back lighting.
• For Princess Diana: on the tenth anniversary of her death, a moment's peace for crum's sake.
• For OJ Simpson: a one way ticket to a deserted island populated predominantly by poisonous pampas grass.
• For International Tyrannical Despot Saddam Hussein: a loophole. A big honking loophole.
• For Michael Richards: now that his career in Hollywood is over; a gubernatorial bid from the great state of Idaho.
• For Mel Gibson: many more in a continuing series of Michael Richards' like incidents.
• For Britney Spears: a reciprocal arrangement with Victoria's Secret.
• For Harry Whittington: trigger locks for all his friends.
• For the once and future Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry: a flip flop from the overwhelming majority of Republicans who want him to run for the Presidency to an overwhelming majority of Democrats. And a first edition signed copy of Milton Berle's Joke File.
• For Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman: some of Hillary Clinton's testosterone.
• For Taco Bell: a new advertising campaign that drops the focus on "Run For The Border."
• For Jason Alexander and Julia Louis-Dreyfus: a good agent to say no to whatever scheme the Seinfeld team comes up with to promote the next release of DVDs after Michael Richards' exploits resulted in higher than expected sales.
• For Democratic New Orleans Congressional Representative William Jefferson: a home safe disguised as one of those mini refrigerators.
Comic, actor, writer, former radio talk show host and porno bookstore clerk, Will Durst, wonders why can't everyday be Xmas?
Catch Durst in stand-up mode at the 14th Annual Big Fat Year End Kiss Off Comedy Show. 6 counties. 6 days. willdurst.com or 415.820.9628. And listen to his twice weekly commentaries @audible.com/willdurst.