If You’re Gonna Go Gay, Go All the Way

On a flat piece of ground, between brown hills in Afghanistan, some young guy is watching blood spurt from the stump of his right arm.
And right now, to Congress at least, whom he likes to lay down with is more important than why he’s bleeding.

So, we gotta fix this national inquisition into the gay-ness of our soldiers, who are called “heroes” until they say they’d rather go to the prom with a guy named “Tim” than a girl named “Amber.”

Go figure.

I figure that we need not just gays in the military, but whole gay outfits; gay platoons; gay regiments; big, mean gay drill sergeants; gay snipers; gay guys in elite units who know 40 ways to kill you with a shoelace.
We’ve done it before, formed whole fighting units of despised minorities. Black “buffalo soldiers” in the American West. Navajo code talkers. Tuskegee airmen. The Japanese-American units that took baths in their own blood to show their loyalty to the World War II America that herded their relatives into concentration camps.

So, instead of endlessly screwing around with the shower room details of what happens when homosexual and heterosexual soldiers and sailors must bunk together, let’s create all-gay units.

Face it, the average dumb guy’s knock on gays is that they’ve got no iron, no guts. They like show tunes and Judy Garland and interior design. They’re sissies.

So, why not form whole gay units, have other gays train ’em up and see what kind of soldiers they make? Right now, we don’t know, since the average gay soldier, like the average gay Republican senator, must go to great lengths to hide his homosexuality.

That kid in Afghanistan, the one with his arm blown off? Does he like to kiss other men? Who knows? He can’t say, or at least he’d better not say.
Recruit openly for these gay regiments. Tell our patriotic gay citizens, male and female, we’ve got a challenge for ’em and we want them to show America they can fight.

My guess is you’ll get an outpouring of gay youth wanting to serve openly, to erase high school years of hiding, to kill the stereotype.

And when those gay units go into combat, will they not know they’re fighting for every gay kid in the country who has ever been called “fag”? Imagine the parade those soldiers will get when they arrive home.

You want “unit cohesion”? Send all gay units into battle — boys and men who know that one twitch of cowardice brands all of their gay brothers back home.
And what newspaper editor, however left-wing and anti-military, could resist headlining the bravery of all-gay outfits? What left-wing Hollywood director could resist making a movie about battle-hardened gays breaking the stereotype? Hollywood loves underdog stories about despised minorities battling prejudice and winning.

And who dares say anything when they get home?

You give a gay guy a little crap in a bar, and he says: “Yeah. I’m gay. Where were you when the 1st Gay Division was mopping up the Taliban outside Kandahar? I saw my gay buddies die so you could shoot your mouth off.”
Whaddaya say to that?

It trickles down, too, reaching the bullied gay kid in high school who now has some proven model of gay toughness to lean on. Maybe he holds his head up instead of hanging himself in the basement of his folks’ house.

You want soldiers in all-gay units to waterboard some prisoners, too. You got people in this country who think nothing is more American than waterboarding. How are conservatives gonna pick on gay guys who waterboard America’s enemies?

And the PR opportunities are HUGE!

When a bunch of woman-hating, bearded guys in turbans who live in the 15th century get ground down, dispersed, fought to a standstill and destroyed by a gay unit, what the HELL are they gonna do? Go back to their village and tell their womenfolk they just got their clock cleaned by a bunch of gay guys? That one’s gonna be tough to explain to Osama bin Anybody.

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